"We need more of that, don't we?"

Last week God blessed my pockets with a little change in exchange for covering a dog-walking job for a fellow seminarian. That turned into a consistent weekend job for me, which started today. On my way out of the senior living building where my new client resides, another resident wheeled her chair onto the elevator with me. She wheeled herself in facing me and smiled in reading my sweatshirt.

OK, so because I own numerous sweatshirts, I don't always remember which has what writing. This particular shirt has my school's name, but also the school's mantra "Teach Truth, Love Well." Naturally, when the woman pointed to my shirt, I was puzzled when she said "We need more of that, don't we?"

More seminarians? Well, some days maybe, other days not so much (ha)! But once I got into the car I looked down and realized that from her position seated in her wheel chair, the print staring at her was "Love Well." (sigh)

I wish I had time to converse with that lady, and depending on how long this job last I just might. But, after understanding to what her comment was directed, my eyes slightly teary, I murmured to myself  'I totally agree.'

I had to apologize to an old friend this morning because I did not love him well during a recent conversation. And pained by my own need to be loved well, I didn't love my friend they way God needed in the moment! All I can do is ask for forgiveness from both God and my friend...and that was the first thing I did this morning!

How many people are around us whom we choose to love according to our own need and/or capacity instead of according to God's purpose for us in their lives? 

Odd ways doubt and fear drive your success in God

"I didn’t just doubt myself as a writer. I doubted what I sensed while praying. It was just too odd to be right." (Ed Cyzewski, in his recent newsletter to which I subscribe)

Just too odd to be right. Yes sir, I lived by that thought for years; the very thought that God is determined to erase from my memory bank. And whenever I enter into a new season of oddness, I instantly remember Hosea's story. You know him, the one whom God used for His glory by telling him to marry a prositiute, have illegitimate children and then give them horrible names. Yeah, that guy! And as I write I can feel multilpe sets of eye rolling and minds wondering "Seriously?"

Whether people want to believe it or not, God is still in the business of making odd requests and commands for His sons and daughters. The more I follow Him – blindly at times – I realize things are never odd to Him, and He continues to write my story in a very odd way. Everything I've done up until this very moment sounded so odd that I've often prayed "God, why doesn't this make sense?"

Looking at my recent job history, and current unemployment, continues to baffle me. I'm a trained journalist; spent good money on that degree, yet I've spent just two of the last nine of my post-college years working in the media industry. I worked in food services during college, immediately after college, and after being severed from my copy editing job in Norfolk, Virginia in 2008.

But as I prepare for self employment as a personal chef (don't worry, I'll post more about that later), I haven't the foggiest idea why I continue to doubt if this is the right direction for me. Or maybe it's less doubt and more fear of failing. Yeah, that's it! However, the more I prepare for this venture the more "right" it feels...and the more I see more of God in it. God never wastes a situation or circumstance in our lives. We must be willing, however, to face our doubts and fears by presenting them to God (no sense in trying to hide from Him or anyone else) and following Him down those oddly paved roads.

This is only a small piece of my story, but I now find myself praying "Lord, it's so odd, it has to be right!" 

Big girls DO cry. Deal with it!

The tears are flowing heavy today, for many reason and other than a recent door being closed on a job opportunity. Why am I sharing this? Because there's someone reading this who has been told that the presence of their tears means they have little or no faith. That is the opposite of what scripture shows us. 

Look at, dig into and learn from David, Jeremiah, Job, Jesus even (HELLO) and you'll see that their tears displayed a great trust in God! Think about it, how many of your "friends" do you trust with your tears?

But don't take my word for it. Just let God allow you to suffer through some stuff for a period of time, and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. And, sad to say, The Body has some suffering to walk through in the near future...and the majority won't be equipped to stand fast in it!!

When the bottom falls out

Are we ever ready for it? I mean, really, no matter how much we prepare ourselves financially or emotionally for life's struggles, disappointments and emergencies there's always that pain that strikes as though someone just kicked you in the gut!

I returned from a 4-week stay in Germany in late September, and the struggle to just live life seems to intensify. I had finally started a new job in early November and moved into a wonderful apartment just a month later. Lately, with depression and anxiety and medication side effects that accompany, working full time has been a real struggle. My body fatigues super quick and my brain shuts down completely in high-stress environments. So, while I enjoyed the job, I missed one day too many to rest and recover, and they had to let me go. That was the week after New Year's Day.

Last month I learned that I'm not elegible for federal financial aid because my GPA is below the allowance (mainly from courses I failed or dropped because of my illness the last three semesters). Just when I throught God was bringing everything together in a tight little bundle, the bottom falls out!

So what now, you ask?

I wait for God's direction. There's nothing else I can do. I can't say "I trust God" yet try to fix the situation myself. This is where God has me in MY life right now, trusting HIM fully to provide. It doesn't feel great at all, and I know some people reading this will quickly flip to another screen and not give this another thought. That hurts even more.

But one thing I know for certain, God will never leave me nor forsake me. It's just the waiting part that's the struggle! 

Man Plans, God...Weeps?

Yeah, I know that's different from the phrase you've heard and used for years. But lately I've meditated and dared to ask the questions: How DOES God feel when I plan without Him?

Well, It's been more than a year since I've written here. I followed God 1,300 miles away from home and family to attend seminary. I planned to graduate in May 2015 and return North and continue in youth ministry at my home church. I never thought twice about whether or not this was OK with God because...well, I thought it was! You know, it's like any decision you make when you feel God has opened a door. You try using all the wisdom He's given you to make the most logical choice.

But it doesn't work that way, and after four year of struggle, changes and plans detoured, I'm just now seeing that's where I went wrong. Trying to mix godly wisdom and human logic is one trick no one can turn. But why do we constantly call on God for an open door, then think we can handle walking through that door without (or very little of) Him?

In an entry of his daily devotional "My Utmost for His Highest," Oswald Chambers wrote "Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."

That's a mighty strong statement, but when we think of scriptures – especially where Christ prays for oneness with His people like His oneness with the Father – it does make one wonder just how God takes our pledge of independence instead of out pledge of allegiance to Him in certain areas of life.

So what does all this mean? I haven't the slightest clue! But, before we go make disciples we must first be faithful disciples of Christ. He is preparing me for something greater than me. And that's my story, and here is where I'll continue to record our journey. 

Proverbs, Day 19: Wisdom adheres to God's purpose

"You can make plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:21

I know I have some catching up to do in my postings on Proverbs...and I'm working on them. But, so much of chapter 19 caused me to reflect on my recent activities I couldn't wait until later to share. As I stood and talked to my next-door neighbor last night, so much of our conversation echoed the verse printed above. We are both here in seminary because we've been called by God to be here. However, she works full time and takes classes part time, while I'm doing the complete opposite. We both question if we're "doing the right thing." But, at the end of our conversation we both agreed that God knows what He's doing in our lives and we must keep to the path He has us traveling individually.

Think back to Day 1 of our Proverbs reading. If the foundation for wisdom is fear (reverence) of the Lord, then wisdom leads me to revere and respect God's purpose for my life. That reverence then leads me to adhere to certain actions that agree with that purpose. That can be hard at times, especially when people around you advice otherwise. And not to say they are incorrect. However, when you're walking in God's will He must be the one guiding your every step. That's the only way you're going to truly succeed! I've been in the situation where I've done my own thing and God has had to re-route me. Have you been there before? Yeah, and at the end of every situation, God's purpose always prevailed...and I'm so glad about that because His purpose and will is better than anything I can do alone!

Proverbs, Days 8-9: Wisdom leads to eternal life!

"Joyful are those who listen to me, watching for me daily at my gates, waiting for me outside my home!

For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the Lord."

Proverbs 8:34-35 (New Livinging Translation)

Chapters 8 and 9 of Proverbs gave me goosebumbs because they simply screamed the name JESUS! So much of what I've learned about Jesus in the New Testament (the covenant in which believers today are sealed) popped into my head as I read through these chapters. The verses printed above immediately reminded me of John 17:3, in which Jesus said "And this is the way to have eternal life -- to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth." In seeking wisdom I find Christ, who is my source of eternal life. The perks of seeking wisdom continue to add up, don't they?

Verses 1-6 of chapter 9 seem purly intimate to me. Not only does Wisdom give us eternal life, but Wisdom sustains us in that life; we are continually invited to feast on what Wisdom has to offer (see verses 4-5). This reminded me that Jesus is my bread of life; I live by the words, which prove to be wise and sustaining, that come from His mouth (see Matthew 4:4) and I drink from a well that never dries (see John 4:4). Praise God!!!